A family profile can tell you a lot, but talking with prospective adoptive parents lets you get to know them beyond the photos. You can hear how they think about parenting, what everyday life might look like for your child, and how they see you being part of that life.

You don’t have to ask every question or cover everything in one conversation. Start with what matters most to you. Ask follow-up questions, take your time, and notice how you feel talking with them. You should feel comfortable being yourself and saying what’s on your mind.

Your adoption provider can also help you bring up sensitive topics and explain what family information you can review.

Why Adoption?

• What made you want to adopt?
• If you’re adopting together, who brought it up first? Were you both ready, or did one of you need more time?
• What have you done to get ready? Have you talked with people who were adopted or parents who placed a child for adoption? What did you learn?
• If you’ve been through infertility or lost a pregnancy, how are you doing with that now?
• Are you still trying to get pregnant or doing fertility treatments? If you got pregnant, would you still want to adopt?
• Do you already have kids, including kids who are grown or don’t live with you? How do they feel about you adopting?
• Do you want more children after this? How close in age would you want them to be?
• How would you talk with my child about being adopted as they grow up? What would you tell them about me?

Everyday Life 

• What’s a normal day like at your house? How would that change with a baby?
• What do you usually do on weekends?
• What do you like doing for fun? Are there family traditions you’d want to share with my child?
• What’s your neighborhood like? Are there other kids around?
• What are your work schedules like? Who would take care of the baby while you’re working?
• Would either of you take time off when the baby comes home? For how long? What’s your child care plan?
• Do you think you’ll stay where you live now, or might you move?
• Do you have pets? Does anyone else live with you or spend a lot of time at your house?
  

Relationships & Support

• Who do you turn to when you’re having a hard time?
• What do you like most about each other? What do you tend to disagree about?
• What happens when you have an argument? How do you work things out afterward?
• How would you split things like getting up at night, childcare, and housework?
• Have you ever been divorced? If so, what did you learn from that experience?
• How do your family and friends feel about you adopting?
• If something happened to you, who would raise my child?

Parenting, Education & Values

• What was it like growing up in your family? What would you want to do the same way, and what would you do differently?
• What matters most to you as a parent?
• Is religion part of your life? What would that look like for my child?
• What if my child grew up with different beliefs or wanted to follow a different religion?
• What if my child had totally different interests or a different personality than you expected?
• How would you handle tantrums or a child who’s really upset?
• What does discipline mean to you? Would you ever spank or use other physical punishment?
• If my child was upset about being adopted or had difficult questions, how would you handle that?
• What do you think about public school, private school, or homeschooling? How would you choose?
• What would you do if my child struggled in school?
• Would you help pay for college, trade school, or other training after high school?
• If my child had a disability or needed extra medical or developmental support, how would you provide that?

Identity, Heritage & Belonging

• What’s your family’s cultural background? Are there traditions that are important to you?
• How would you help my child learn about their background and stay connected to it?
• Are there people in your everyday life who share my child’s race or cultural background?
• If your background is different from my child’s, what have you done to learn about raising a child with that background? What do you still want to learn?
• What would you do if someone made a racist comment or treated my child differently, even if that person was a friend or relative?
• If my child wanted to know more about where they came from, how would you help?

Health, Work & Money

• Is there anything about your physical or mental health that might affect day-to-day parenting? How do you take care of it?
• What do you do when you’re stressed or overwhelmed? Would you be comfortable asking for help?
• Have you ever gone to counseling? If you’re comfortable sharing, was it helpful? What did you learn?
• Has drinking or drug use ever caused problems for you? If so, how have you dealt with it, and how are things now?
• How do you feel about childhood vaccines?
• If my child needed counseling or other mental health support, would you be open to that?
• How have you planned for the costs of raising a child, like childcare and medical bills?
• What would happen if you lost a job or couldn’t work for a while? Would you have savings or people who could help?
• Have you ever filed for bankruptcy?
• Are there any money problems or responsibilities that could affect your plans for raising a child?

Staying Connected

• When you picture an open adoption, what does that look like to you?
• How do you picture me being part of my child’s life as a baby? What about when they’re older?
• How would you feel about my family being involved, too?
• What kinds of visits, calls, photos, or updates would you feel comfortable agreeing to?
• How would we make plans and keep in touch? Would you reach out to me, too?
• If something wasn’t working for one of us, how would we talk about it?
• If we had a disagreement we couldn’t work out, would you be willing to talk with an adoption counselor together?
• If you moved farther away, how would we keep our relationship going?
• What if my child wanted to see other birth relatives or me more often? What if they wanted less contact for a while?
• How would you talk about me if you didn’t agree with something I did or how I lived?
• How would we keep each other updated about important things, like changes in our family or health?

After You Talk

You don’t have to find people with perfect answers. Look for people who are honest, willing to listen, and share who they are.  

Ask yourself:

• Did I feel comfortable being myself?
• Were they willing to answer my questions?
• Did we talk about what staying connected would actually look like?
• What do I still want to ask?

You can ask to talk again, get help from your adoption provider or your own attorney, or decide the family isn’t the right fit. Getting to know a family doesn’t mean you have to choose them or move forward with adoption. Take your time. This is a huge decision! Each conversation can help you clarify what feels right for you and your child.

An ethical adoption professional should encourage you to take the time you need to find a family who can offer your child a loving, supportive home and shares your hopes for your child’s future.